In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
