Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
