So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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