Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
