im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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