Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
