Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
