Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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