Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You are the jesus of drinking
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
