Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
