dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
