So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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