I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
