she woke up with a sticky ear
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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