Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
