Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
