Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
did i walk over a car last night?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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