I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
