I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
