I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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