So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
