well I can't set my house on fire every night
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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