apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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