i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
