I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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