he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
