I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
