Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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