period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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