I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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