did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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