"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
