I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
