I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
