Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
