oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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