dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
