PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
