what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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