Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
