You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Are we still banned from the library?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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