It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
