You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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