She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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