i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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