Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
