It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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