when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
