The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
