I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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