Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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