You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize