my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
