there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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