I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
