Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
