barbara walters just said penis...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
