90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
