yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
