Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's official drugs can't kill me
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
