I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
