i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
