I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
