i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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