just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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